If You Died
by Violet Thropp
Summary: A giant MLP OC story. They are humans. He was gone. He committed suicide. It was all her fault. If only she had been there. How can Ella cope? How will she move on? Even she doesn't know. Could it be true: Was it even truly her fault?


**a/n I'm writing this for a friend who is sort of going through a rough patch in life.**

* * *

It was raining. It had been for the past week. How befitting it was. At least Ella Tsuri thought so. She was in rut. A rather deep one. She couldn't help but feel hurt and depressed. Her best friend, no her brother, had just committed suicide.

In fact she was the one to find the body. The cold lifeless body hanging in the closet. Ella still had nightmares. The dead eyes of him were always present. Stone cold and hard; they stared at her. She'd never forget them. It was like the candle that had once lit them up had gone out. For good.

* * *

Ella moved away from the bed she had thrown herself on the night before. The funeral was today. All of her friends would be there. Mourning over the friend, the friend that had truly cared.

Looking into a nearby mirror she saw herself. Her dark brown locks messy and unkept. She hadn't brushed her hair in days. Just like she hadn't gone to school, changed out of her nightgown and stopped crying. Her eyes were puffy and red from her hot tears. Her checks glittered in the pale light from the trails of water raining down her pale cheeks.

Ella took the sleeve of of her nightgown to wipe her face. Looking at her reflection she was horrified with what she saw. Part of her wanted to blame him for how she was feeling. But mostly, Ella blamed herself. She couldn't help it. She felt that maybe if she had talked to him more and spent more time with him he would still be alive.

Suddenly, Ella realized that he wouldn't have wanted this. He had hated to see her unhappy. He would want her to be in school. Not mulling over him.

This caused a fresh batch of tears to form. It pained her to think about him. She hoped he was in heaven. He deserved to be there. He protected her so well, and made her laugh. She could only hope that was his final resting place.

No longer able to put up with this depressed self Ella now displayed,she went to the bathroom to shower. Ella knew for sure that he wouldn't want her to show up to his funeral looking like a total wreck. Any funeral for that matter.

She turned the faucet on an let the ice cold water pour over her head. Memories of him filled her head. He always called her the Ice Queen because of her love of cold things. Most people she knew would use it against her, but when he did, it seemed so lovingly, like a pet name.

Ella smiled at that. She knew his death would be bittersweet. It would be sad to remember him, but happy at all the fun moments at the same time.

Placing a glob of shampoo in her hair and rubbing it in, she thought where it went wrong. Ella knew he had troubles with friends. Recently a very good friend had torn his and the friend's friendship apart.

The friend, Isaac Fabray, had secretly hated him for years. Ella couldn't believe it. How could Isaac do such a thing? They had been friends. Now she never wanted to speak to him again. It was his fault. And hers. Ella knew she needed to stop blaming others. She knew it was all her fault. Even if she didn't kill him, it felt like she did. Ella knows it's her fault.

Pushing those thoughts from her mind she began to help the water remove the soap from her hair.

* * *

Once the suds were all washed out of her hair, Ella step out of the shower and looked at herself. The foggy mirror distorted her features except her eyes. The grey-green-blue mess of a color he got lost in often.

Very quickly she dried off. Ella's hair was twisted up into towel on her head keeping her wet hair from making anything else wet.

Hanging on her door was the black dress he had given her for Christmas. True, Ella had worn it many times before today, but it wouldn't feel right if she didn't wear it. So, she had her mother take it to the dry cleaners. Ella wanted it to look perfect, as he had never gotten to see her in the dress.

Taking it in her hands, along with other things she got ready for his funeral. Ella slipped the rests over her head and pulled up the zipper. Normally, people would think she was dressed in her normal attire, as black was her preferred color, with her black dress, tights and boots.

Ella knew he would say she looked beautiful in the frock, even if she didn't believe it.

If only she had been there for him like he had been for her. He'd still be here. With her. And Lily. And Maria. "Stop it." She murmured. "Stop torturing me. He's dead! And I'll never see him again!"

Ella fell to the frigid, wood floor. "I'm so sorry. I should have known sooner. I should have been there!" She cried, tears pouring down her face. Ella hugged her knees tightly and rocked back and forth.

Thinking about him, Ella managed to calm herself down. She sat in silence for a minute, contemplating whether or not she would apply make up. She decided to go ahead with it. Ella knew she would lock away her feelings and not let anyone know how she was feeling.

"This is my burden and mine alone." She whispered before getting up. Deep down she hid her aching heart, wiped her tears and smiled a weary smile. Sighing she went to retrieve her make up bag.

Ella made sure she would look nice in front of him. Even if he couldn't see her, Ella wanted his soul to feel like she was dealing with this better that she really was. Ella knew if he was alive, however, he would see straight through her mask. He always did.

* * *

Back in her bathroom, Ella let her hair out of the towel. Setting her makeup bag in the corner, next to the still fogging mirror, Ella grasped her hideous pink hairbrush and began brushing her hair.

Ella ignored the pain she felt when she ran the brush through the mats and tangles. Ella knew it was nothing compared to the pain he felt.

Once more, pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind, she began braiding her hair into two long braids. Reaching for the hairpins she kept in a Tic-Tac container, she pinned the braids behind her head. Not thinking it was good enough she added a velvet, black ribbon to each side. Satisfied with it she used the towel she used on her hair to clean the mirror.

Ella then moved her makeup bag closer to her. Taking her blending brush and foundation she began to 'paint' her face. Powdering it, so it wouldn't smudge, she used a fairly good amount of concealer to cover the redness and puffiness of her eyes. Afterwords, she added Creme and chestnut colored eyeshadow. Then she paired it with pitch black eye liner and mascara. Lastly Ella added peach colored blush and warm pink lipstick. She was ready.

Just in time as her mother called for her. "Ella, dear, it's time to leave!" Sniffling one last time she went downstairs.

* * *

They were still in the neighborhood, close to the exit when her mother placed a hand on Ella's thigh. "Are you sure you want to go? Ella, if you don't want to you don't have to. Everyone will understand I'm sure."

Ella turned towards her, smiling frailly. All was a part of her facade, one that her parents didn't know she had. "Of course, Mom! He was my best friend. Practically my brother. I want to... No. I need to be there."

Her mother nodded. They then turned down the street, preparing for the thoroughly emotional experience that laid ahead.

The car ride was a long silent one. To Ella, it was like the calm before the storm. Things would snowball from here. Ella already knew she would have to excuse herself once, so she could cry alone as eventually she wouldn't be able to hold in the guilt.

* * *

Finally, they arrived at the funeral home. In Ella's opinion the building, an old victorian residence turned modern, was much to happy. When she first moved her she even thought it was a preschool. But that was on the outside. Inside, it was elegantly morbid. Pictures of Christ and other religious materials hung on the walls and amazing carvings of The Virgin Mary on simplistic pedestals were in almost every room.

The rain now, was just a drizzle. She knew if he was alive, they would probably be at the mall with Lily and Maria. Then it hit her. Lily must be feeling worse than her. After all him and her were really closing to bringing their relationship to the next level.

Now, because of Ella that would never happen. Stepping out of the car Ella's mom bid her farewell. "Lily's mom is going to take you home okay?" Ella turned towards her. She nodded.

she walked into the chapel behind the front of the building and stepped inside. Waiting in the lobby was pretty much the whole crew. Maria, crying quite loudly, and her family, Lily in silent hysterics with her respective family. Then out of the corner of Ella's eye, she them. She saw his family.

waves of guilt pierced over her as they all went dead silent and looked at her. "Sorry, I'm late." Ella mumbled.

Out of a creaky wooden door one of the server boys appeared. "Come on. File in. Two by two." It was Ella's cue. The act had began.

_Don't show. Don't show what you feel inside. Remember, this your fault. This wouldn't have happened if you had just been there. _She thought.

Ella made sure she was last in the line. No one was next to her. They filed into the chapel and sat in the first two pews. She didn't look at his coffin. She couldn't bear too.

As the pastor spoke Ella tuned him out, struggling to keep her emotions under control. Before she knew it, his funeral was over. They were getting up to go bury him. Lay him to rest.

Ella walked a few yards behind them, keeping each of her arms around Maria's and Lily's waists. She was glad they were there. It made things a little easier. But not by much. The grave yard had many civil war era soldier bodies here. It seemed the perfect place to lay him to rest.

Throughout the words of everyone, Ella ignored. She stared at the single violet in the distant. One door of the coffin open he seemed out of place.

Suddenly rain poured down. Shooting up, Ella raced out from the the tent to go and get the violet. The rain hit her body hard, soaking her through to the bone. She wanted that violet for him. She desperately clawed it up. In her hands she rank back to the tent. The mud splashed up her legs and her hair do feel completely out.

Back under the gazebo, Ella suddenly got very conscious of the strange looks she was getting. She knew her hair was a mess and all wet. Her makeup was ruined, she knew for sure.

Using her sleeve of her coat she wiped her face. "The violet. It's his. He deserved it." She addressed the crowd.

She turned towards his dead body and placed the violet in his hand. Ella swallowed nervously as a tear streamed out of her eye and her lower lip trembled. Ella then turned back towards the families.

" He was my best friend. Like my brother. I wish he was here today. He was always selfless and kind. He seemed to care for everyone but himself. When I was sad, he cheered me up. When he was sad, I did the protected all of us. And now, that his gone, I just feel so empty! I can't help...I can't ..." Ella wasn't sure whether or not she should continue. This was so unlike her. This behavior was unheard of. Taking a breath she continued shakily.

" I can't help but feel that it was my fault. I know I didn't kill him. So how could it be my fault? Well, if I had just been there, like I should have, to comfort and help him, he would still be here today. I'm sorry. So very sorry." Ella finished. The crowd was silent for a bit before his mother spoke up.

"Thank you, Ell. You've got no idea how much that means to us."

Ella sighed sadly. She had taken her mental barrier and tore it completely apart. But it felt good to finally let the grief and pain she had kept bottled up out into the world. Ella looked toward the back of the tent to see him standing there.

Translucent, but still there. He mouthed the words "Thank you... For everything." A soft breeze blew past Ella, making her went hair sway. With the breeze he was gone. And Ella finally felt at peace. It wasn't her fault. It never was.

**a/n I hope you enjoyed this. 'He' thank you for being my friend and brother. It means a lot to me. And thank you to everyone else who read this.**


End file.
